Effy

There was a girl who could only live on lemonade. Or her parents were really old and rubbish and just kept giving it to her to the point where she couldn’t have anything else. Or they were really nice and only gave it to her because they really liked her. I can’t decide that bit but she could only live on lemonade. If she didn’t have lemonade, she’d die. And her parents were going to die soon too because they had something wrong with them that their blood was blue or something like that. And she had a brother but he was really stupid, though, no one really cared about him. They just wanted their little girl to live. The only trouble is, no one thought about her brother. She was in a bottle, he was on his own, no one thought about him. They just left him. So he sat by her, her brother, he sat by her in the bottle and ‘cause lemonade helped her eyesight, she could see him really clearly through the sides, even though the grass was as a thick as his skull. And cause it was the countryside, there was nothing for him to eat, nothing for him to buy and he was starving. And she could see that and there was no one looking after him, cause he was a bit stupid, couldn’t really look after himself, and it kept on raining so he was getting a bit rusty. She was having an amazing time with the lemonade but she knew she had to help him, so she swam to the surface but she couldn’t get out, it was too far away, this bottle was too big. She knew she had to do something, he was getting worse and worse and worse and he was really hungry and thirsty and he started eating glass and puking up all the time. So she tried to think of some plan for him but she couldn’t. All she knew is that he needed her with him. All she could do was watch him puke his guts up on the other side of the glass. But then bingo, she knew. She started to drink and she drank and she drank and she drank. And this was a lot of lemonade, enough to last her till she died, cause her parents wanted her to live for ages but she drank, every last drop, until she was in an empty bottle but that was no good, she still couldn’t get out. But that was okay, because she just waited until she had a big one stored up. Because she drank all the pop, she drank all the lemonade. And then she started to fart. It was slow at first but then it was really loud and hard. She blew her way out of the bottle, straight from the top, like a rocket. Then she stopped her brother eating grass and they went and found a nice little house to live in together, her and her brother. And it turned out drinking all that lemonade had cured her because she never wanted it again. She had orange for the rest of her life.

Perception

Something to think about….

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approximately. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.

The questions raised:

*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*Do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.

How many other things are we missing?

Aaand this is why I have been MIA

Click on image to enlarge?

Cognizance

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

100 Beautifuls

Ailurophile A cat-lover.
Assemblage A gathering.
Becoming Attractive.
Beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
Brood To think alone.
Bucolic In a lovely rural setting.
Bungalow A small, cozy cottage.
Chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
Comely Attractive.
Conflate To blend together.
Cynosure A focal point of admiration.
Dalliance A brief love affair.
Demesne Dominion, territory.
Demure Shy and reserved.
Denouement The resolution of a mystery.
Desuetude Disuse.
Desultory Slow, sluggish.
Diaphanous Filmy.
Dissemble Deceive.
Dulcet Sweet, sugary.
Ebullience Bubbling enthusiasm.
Effervescent Bubbly.
Efflorescence Flowering, blooming.
Elision Dropping a sound or syllable in a word.
Elixir A good potion.
Eloquence Beauty and persuasion in speech.
Embrocation Rubbing on a lotion.
Emollient A softener.
Ephemeral Short-lived.
Epiphany A sudden revelation.
Erstwhile At one time, for a time.
Ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
Evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
Evocative Suggestive.
Fetching Pretty.
Felicity Pleasantness.
Forbearance Withholding response to provocation.
Fugacious Fleeting.
Furtive Shifty, sneaky.
Gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
Glamour Beauty.
Gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk.
Halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
Harbinger Messenger with news of the future.
Imbrication Overlapping and forming a regular pattern.
Imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
Imbue To infuse, instill.
Incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
Ineffable Unutterable, inexpressible.
Ingénue A naïve young woman.
Inglenook A cozy nook by the hearth.
Insouciance Blithe nonchalance.
Inure To become jaded.
Labyrinthine Twisting and turning.
Lagniappe A special kind of gift.
Lagoon A small gulf or inlet.
Languor Listlessness, inactivity.
Lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
Leisure Free time.
Lilt To move musically or lively.
Lissome Slender and graceful.
Lithe Slender and flexible.
Love Deep affection.
Mellifluous Sweet sounding.
Moiety One of two equal parts.
Mondegreen A slip of the ear.
Murmurous Murmuring.
Nemesis An unconquerable archenemy.
Offing The sea between the horizon and the offshore.
Onomatopoeia A word that sounds like its meaning.
Opulent Lush, luxuriant.
Palimpsest A manuscript written over earlier ones.
Panacea A solution for all problems
Panoply A complete set.
Pastiche An art work combining materials from various sources.
Penumbra A half-shadow.
Petrichor The smell of earth after rain.
Plethora A large quantity.
Propinquity An inclination.
Pyrrhic Successful with heavy losses.
Quintessential Most essential.
Ratatouille A spicy French stew.
Ravel To knit or unknit.
Redolent Fragrant.
Riparian By the bank of a stream.
Ripple A very small wave.
Scintilla A spark or very small thing.
Sempiternal Eternal.
Seraglio Rich, luxurious oriental palace or harem.
Serendipity Finding something nice while looking for something else.
Summery Light, delicate or warm and sunny.
Sumptuous Lush, luxurious.
Surreptitious Secretive, sneaky.
Susquehanna A river in Pennsylvania.
Susurrous Whispering, hissing.
Talisman A good luck charm.
Tintinnabulation Tinkling.
Umbrella Protection from sun or rain.
Untoward Unseemly, inappropriate.
Vestigial In trace amounts.
Wafture Waving.
Wherewithal The means.
Woebegone Sorrowful, downcast.

The grayness is the hopelessness.

You are the only person that’s made for you, and until you understand that person, until you know them intimately, on every level, from where they’ve come from to where they’re going, until you know their values and their dreams and their dreads, you can’t really be said to love anyone else. Love is the recognition and reflection of your highest values in another, and until you recognise them in yourself, until you become the whole you’re supposed to be, you certainly won’t find them in anyone else.

All that said, people come into our lives for a reason, and it’s up to us to discover that reason, experience it to its fullest, learn from it the hardest way we can. If it’s love it should bleed a little, it should hurt as much as it heals, it should leaves bumps and bruises and scars. And of course when they leave it’s in our nature to yearn after the happiness that we had, rather than being thankful that we had it at all and looking forward to being happy today, and every today to follow, regardless of who we might be sharing it with. You can fall in love multiple times due in large part to your own growth and changing values, and discovering them reflected in others throughout your life - the clinch of course being that sometimes you grow in a different direction and fall out of love, or they do, or you both do.

There is nothing worse than a love of habit or a love of convenience, like two crutches standing only by virtue of one supporting the other, and neither capable of standing on its own.

Plane

Trivial matters of the heart, mind and senses.
Look away, look beyond.
Transcend the limits of this song.

Groove to the beat of your own drum.

Now that we've realised that friends are disposable, now that we know nothing is really in ruins if we have company in those ruins with us, now that you dismiss advice because hope shines on you,

Be gone.

Good riddance.

Inspiracie

So, let's take it from the top.
No, the middle. The middle is where it starts getting good.

Sitting, we were sitting.
Yes, I'm starting to remember again, the birds and the sun.

It was just me and me, and we were the two happiest people in the world.
Or at least that part of town.

Then we skip the next part, when I'm alone.
Because that part was cold and rough.

And we're back together again, my right side and left.
Everybody feels this way, i just took it one step further.
She's everything I'm not, I'm everything she isn't.

Both of us are

I

- vacuus vox

Blame Game

You’re walking barefoot on burning flame
All because you won’t bear the blame
You don’t need to explain
How you’re going through this ordain

I see your wounds, I call your name
You’re caught out in the storming rain

Alone by yourself, shouldering all in vain
All because of this senseless game
A game of life, of deceit, of shame

Don’t allow yourself to be maimed
It's driving you and I insane
Dancing in the shadows again
The stars are what we aim
But misery is for all to gain

What's left of our love is this stubborn stain
Through bargains and complains

Now there's an infinite final restrain
my poignant, beautiful madame...

- Boredom, Oktober09

Snap outta it

The world can get pretty lonely sometimes...amidst all the buzz and chatter. I found myself sitting in a crowded room with no absolute interest in anything, I knew why I was feeling as such, my mind told me to get out of there, but I forced it all - mind, body and soul - to stay on, that maybe, good things could happen.

Who was I fooling? Staying on only brought me to tears.

What I need the most right now, is the courage to face my responsibilities and priorities. Such big words. I hate feeling bad and going on ugly guilt trips for not living up to expectations - everyone's, and most crucially, my own. If only I could just fulfill the promises, vows, and mental notes I make to myself as a first step. Why tell myself that I'm having fun when I have all this pressing thoughts at the back of my head?

asdf;lkj

The internet has been nothing but a bitch to me lately. That was a lame excuse.

I make mental notes about the randomest of things, even twitter doesn't cut it sometimes. That's because said mental notes are unbelievably delicate - especially ones in the shower. I think my mental notes are worthy of your epiphanies cause they are amazingly brilliant...but horribly flimsy. There have been countless times that I've helplessly lost my grasp on them and it pains me oh so badly. I should start acting upon dedicating myself unto preserving these "epiphanies" and archive them. And maybe I could then gain a better understanding towards...uh, the universe.

:)

Lately I've been high on a lot of things. To sum them up, I could say that I have been high on life. It's got to stop though. Too much of anything is never a good thing. Like sugar. And water. And the internet. Blah.

I shall now contradict myself. Because too much of anything will render anyone to addiction. Because too much of anything will result in quite an abysmal hollow if you yanked it away. Because I am annoying like that.

How about immersing and entwining myself in culture? Yes, why not? Tis much better than life.
*blows snot bubbles*

Remnants

What was it that I felt? What can I make of these recollections of yesternight?

I remember two people lying side by side.
I remember the throes of mental battle.
I remember a resistance to fight.
I remember admiring the bella luna.

It felt happy. It felt like two people meeting each other after an eternity of wayward bounding. As though someone spiked the drinks with euphoria. As though something was telling me

"I could do this."

Do you have any inkling of an idea how catastrophic the change was? I do not want to sound angry for I do not intend to be. Not ever. I cannot risk you or anyone walking out of my life again. Looks like that is not going to happen, with my oddity. Who could tolerate this nonsense? You? For a year?

I know I am odd and if only, just, if only, there could be someone out there who could actually grasp this odd being and love her for her oddness.

These are words from the heart, though I try not to get too personal when I'm blogging - with all the good that it might do to this already heavy heart-bearing cage-like enclosure.

I cannot do this. What happened to me was incredibly unfair as though fate was out to spite me. It is also incredibly unfair that I do not seem to be blaming myself. So blame myself I shall. Seeing that we cannot reverse time, I am forever marred by this. By you. You shall not bring all this upon me again. No. Henceforth I shall say no.

I might regret this, I might not. Our paths diverge. You are meant for the road to greatness. We all know this.

I'll just...try to be content with the nobody that I am. For I am and will always be...

A nobody.

The bars weigh in weight while we wait in vain

Frequently regarding every tragedy as a lesson learned, we build cages from bars of might more magnificent than that of adamantium. For every misfortune, for each blow, we establish a bar. Figuratively speaking, we regard each and every bar as an experience and we put them up, telling ourselves, "never again, my dear. For you are too fragile, too weak. Now here's a bar to remind you."

As life goes, it gets harder and harder to penetrate this cage. How many bars have you collected? My cage is heavy now.

Have you learned your lessons?

I know I haven't.

Care?

While you weren't listening, our songs became sad songs.

Shar was walking home from the grocer's one day when this monkey jumped out of the blue and stopped her in her tracks. Everyone remained indifferent despite her freaking out. She thought that it must have been her imagination so she resumed walking home. And got crazy shit schizophrenia the next few days. Tsk tsk.

Friday in apathy

Because I made it so. Volition.

The house is complete to me again for one more final semester. I dare not speculate what lies beyond. I awoke this morning and told myself that I am not ready. The lights were on for a little while as I attempted to commit a conscious murder or two. I did. One. And left the second one I saw to roam till its golden days. Which should be about now. I think.

I have to figure out more ingenious ways into plotting such genocide in such grandeur.

Presently awed (again) with how much we fail to keep in mind the systematic habitual actions put into action subconsciously absentmindedly every moment.

I stretch
I yawn
I blink
I kill

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note:

I'm not going.
Waste, much?

Obseshn

I know I know I promise I'll try not to post anymore Youtubey stuff but lately I've been crazy about Florence +The Machine cause she just be grandly awesome and her album is fantabulously good and this song especially have been stuck in my head ever since I got my hands on her album and it thrills me to know that the video gives me happy goosebumps I lalalove everything about the video and somehow it makes me feel like keeping my long hair.

*exhales.

Now, enjoy :)



♥

Listen > Look

Down with the flu and seized by the collar by this inane notion of keeping mum about my inactivity. Lets revel in yet another dosage of my Youtube favs shall we?

I assure you they're all worthy of tangibility. This acapella group awed me to great lengths today. Talk about a 'pick me up'. Muchos gracias to mitdoq.

Now, get me a boyfriend who can play and sing this to me and I might just put off my suicide plans for another lifetime.

You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

Know Now

To feel selfish, to be selfish, and to be venerated and revered by fools who choose to surround, choose to respect, to be kind, a friend.

There will never come a time when she awakes from her dazed enchantment to realise that it is, after all, not worth her while. She has had too many past disillusionments to be letting go of this one gleaming, shiny piece of what is seemingly to her, beauty.

Rooting to this spot, saying yes and no, because no one, not even her, can impose force, it is already proven and known.

What might be unforeseen, is that the other side dabbles in human behavior as well. Not like that will pose as a predicament, seeing that true love is slightly or approximately 6400 kilometres or a phone call away. Not a problem.

Unassuming Sam

Not much is known about Sam. They think they know him.

He spends his day at work, enjoying cheap perks such as the occasional hot babe of the day award, which, we shall assume, is judged, rated, and ranked in that little space in between his ears and at the back of his eye balls. The rankings change as each day goes by. Or so we assume. Sam retires from work at the end of the day and retreats to a small dinner and then the confines of his humid room. End of yet another mediocrity. Which beckons for the next. And the next. Or so we assume.

Simplicity.
Brevity.
Sam.

Until one fateful day. That fateful day. A flurry of emotions. Chitchat torrents. Warm, cosy silence. Suddenly he felt that maybe, they're letting him in. They're letting him belong. He feels belonged.

Perhaps not much is known to Sam.

RIP Yasmin Ahmad

This post is written with pure dedication and tribute to the one who has deeply moved and inspired me throughout my teenage years with all the touching PETRONAS Merdeka, Chinese New Year, Raya, and Deepavali Ads - some which made my eyes well up with tears - and her words and ideals. The director of Sepet and other great Malaysian movies (Rabun, Gubra, etc.) - a liberal Malaysian, consistent with the Malaysian spirit and theme in efforts of uniting Malaysia in all her works surpassing that of a film maker or producer. One of the few Malaysians whom I look up to.

1958 - 2009

How much tragedy can one contain? In about a month we witnessed the death of Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, etc; the Jakarta bombings, not to forget the Swine Flu pandemic, and now, Yasmin Ahmad.

Today isn't a good day at all. Disappointments liberally strewn and to think that she passed while I was probably driving home alone on the Federal Highway thinking of how pathetic my life is after losing 4 rounds at pool, multiple rounds at Bishi Bashi, failing to redeem my Clinique goodie bags, missing out on grabbing tickets to Public Enemies, forsaking dinner and the money that I paid cause the food was shite, and chugging beer alone to replace missing Bubba. And upon reaching home and switching on the PC while contemplating on appearing offline on both MSN and Facebook so as to avoid 'publicly' appearing as a loser for being home, alone on a Saturday night, this news.

I had to blog about this. I just had to. Prose and cohesiveness aside. Inferiority aside.

I am sad, and I mourn, not only for the fact that Malaysia has lost such an important figure who plays a role in its film and advertising industry, but also for her efforts in encouraging by showing and eventually embedding in us what Bangsa Malaysia means. Forgive me for sounding a tad foolish but I have always wanted to meet her in person. This is how much she means to me though my existence might not be known to her. RIP.

Of such colloquial deluge

So two nights ago I was lying in bed reading the latest book I've managed to get my hands and eyes on and my mind too when I totally snoozed in the midst of the part where the judge was so irritated by Bose and I was deeply ensconced in the notion of how beautiful Desai's writing is though it does get boring but I know it's boring to me only because I have to read it ever so slowly to let the imagery sink in and I never believed in speed reading anyway to begin with and so this brings us back to two nights ago when I abruptly fell into that abysmal stupor and left the lights open and the rest was all only known to the unconscious mind and then that dream started out as a dream I could still remember vividly about that pool among the trees in the crimson setting of the setting sun as those airborne rainbow-like droplets gracefully but hurriedly left his fingertips and landed onto the surface forming alphabets to my name oh such amorous expressions can only be dreamt and thats what dreams are for but unmistakeably the dream stretched itself out into a nightmare about her always lurking in the backdrop assuming the role of utter jealousy and come to think of it it was her whom I've never even talked to but despised from afar during those high school days only because I have always known that she's a slart so anyway she was there lurking again during a merrily-lit sophisticated dinner that of profound postures and bows and plushness and she had the CHEEK to come up and take my wine glass on the table which had sparkly water and not luscious wine in it and said something along the lines of "look at me" in hopes of me looking up at her but I didn't and she went on and splashed the contents at me anyway and I was so pissed I bet I was sleep-cursing with furrowed eyebrows yes the one I always seem to have on but most of the time it's not irritation but just basal structure so yes before she was about to leave after that atrocity I grabbed her by her arm and gave her a piece of my mind before that hamagad slap to her disgustingly pustular face and I woke up at 5 in such anger that I immediately told myself off about how waking up angry is not the way to go so I went back to sleep and resumed the day only to fall asleep relatively early again the next night and this time I woke up at 4 and my eyes were WIDE OPEN in the dark and although there weren't any dreams this time but I couldn't help but to wonder why I keep waking up at those odd hours and it pissed me off that the alarm clock gets to take a holiday and didn't serve its purpose in waking me up and allowing me to push the snooze button you know how much pleasure one gets from pushing the snooze button argh so irritated!

So yeah, can anybody explain this trouble sleeping scenario dilemma to me?

Stop Shoot

Did you fall in love with these videos like I did? ♥

2sen

Just make sure that you're feeling good! very soon, it'll be over, you'll be free!

The "underdogs" rarely get credit, BUT, you are the only one that can defend the rationale behind it all.

You'll be fineeee sweetness. Just make sure you keep your head on straight and if you need to vent or talk, call an amigo :)

If you feel they're raping you of your creativity, do as much as you can and take a break, then come back to it.
But don't give up
Keep at it, keep working at it and better yet don't lose any motivation you have.

Remember you've spent 3 years or more working your butt off in uni learning about this so put it to some practical use. Comprende?

I can sense the passion you have in this field, if not you wouldn't be complaining about it. But just if you need to let off some steam just do it.

aint nobawdy gawna judge

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Such words. Deeply appreciated. Thankies coco.

I have yet to play a game of chess with myself. Assuming the role of one opponent as I detach myself from the other for each turn. It'll be nais.

Now, how about making music from raindrops?

Spoilers and revelations

Ignoring the latest heartbreak ever to mar my already broken life, I shall ramble about the little nothings that didn't fail to perk it up. All of us have one or two...or three or more.

This has been innocently sitting at bookstores, successfully begging for my attention, for I was not attracted to any of its companions, as though I am meant to read it.

I devoured it in two nights (Oh what am I going to do now, run to the bookstore again?) and although I have yet to form any concrete review about it, I have to admit - it was a brilliantly crafted read. Trust the Man Bookers yo, I am officially in love with Pi and Balram. I enjoy the twistedness of it all, for happy endings never quite satisfy me, I must confess. Never a dull page. Though reviewers may compare it to matters of a grander societal/economic/blahblah magnitude, all this book to me was just this: I love the cynicism and how hate and love is, ironically, basal in everything. That is true though many of us fail to come to terms with it. It tells of hard-earned (ha!) success and proves again how fortune does favour the brave. This munna doesn't give a damn about being a badass. Kill your employer and condemn all your family and maybe you might just end up like the white tiger. I imagined-understood in this little space in between my ears that this chandelier fanatic also owes his success to what may seem - to me - like his epiphanies and observations. Philosophies? I admire him for that. And his wit, oh his wit is what I'd like to own! Letters to Mr. Jiabao. Daring (thus sardonic) ones. If only...

Life is peculiar as such. Sometimes I wonder if it is all luck and fate entwined. There are those who strive like this Balram here but never succeeded. But we all know that's lazy talk.

I don't.

Have a good day and omg it's only Tuesday...but then again what do I have to look forward to in the weekends? She who is seemingly suffering from mid-life crisis? What a fucking joke.

Austie Swan

Her fingers flowed with grace and unerring ease as she worked that chestnut of a grand. Tsatsa, of all people.
'Austie Swan,' she said.
I remember those intricate wordings etched onto that facade almost perfectly in gold.
'The best there is. Crunchy yet delicate. Come duet with me and see what I mean.'

Duets. It has been so long since a duet. Two pairs of hands synchronized in a way of cosmic understanding. I have yet to fathom that. But it sounded all the more magical and perhaps it is matters like this that do not require much understanding. Oh the gladness and smiles. Do we have to know everything to live this life? Do we need meaning? Do we need this clear conscience as guidance? What is guidance anyway and why do we bestow so much faith in guidance? Some might say God and religion but I do not want to digress...

Is it even right to voice this out in public? I don't know. I don't know much anymore to begin with. For all I know is that I'm just desperately grasping for something in the dark, still, after all these years. This morning came at me quite like a bucket of cold water splashed onto the face of a sleeper. Unprovoked. Innocent. Intrusive..offensive.

Forcing me to open my eyes and...wake up. Perhaps, actions need be taken to save one's self from all this injustice that is uncalled for. Being aware of the hardships and risks that follow only makes it all the more painful. But they say fortune favours the brave so let me get paid. I did not expect those hurtful words to be hurled at me from such a figure that is popularly tantamount to that of benevolence and unconditional love. My life thus far may be pockmarked with potholes but bear in mind, you were the biggest of them all. Need I say more?

July-ly-ly

Helloooo it's Friday!

Heh. Working has transformed me into an eager, thankful person as the weekend approaches. And given me less dark circles and more fat. meh.

Drove to work in the company of Jamiroquai today and it was nothing at all but pleasant. Anyhoo, without much further ado, since I have nothing much to say today and I do not want to speak too soon about the things I would want to say, check out these photos shot at the Bahamas. I'm intrigued by the feelings that are stirred in me as I look at them. It makes me dream beautiful things.

More here by Elena Kalis.

Also and btw, Koop is awesome baybeee!

Finaly, I knew this song is worth any happy amazing video. Loves.

Have a pleasant day ya'll.
x

Scarcity

leads to an infinite silence in my head.

It has to stop, for before I'll realise, I would have been muted, repressed and muzzled. Feelings have been intense lately. I guess, perceptions of yourself are generated by how you present yourself. And right now, presenting one's self has been immensely confusing. Struggling to prove someone wrong and change one's mind requires a lot of patience on your part, and willingness on theirs. For if they do not allow you the chance to even speak, or if they bat down every notion you're trying to say in the likes of swatting a fly before you could even finish, then there is no chance to prove yourself. Actions? I'd like to see you try.

Seeing that the chance might have been possibly lost, all I have to say is this: You think you got a lot coming don't you? And you think I'm stupid don't you? You think you know me huh? Well there's a lot more to this girl that even the world does not know. I don't know why I'm doing this but I guess the reason might be because you remind me so much of him. And what strikes most similar, is both of your inabilities in saying goodbyes.

So goodbye. At least I could say it. There.

nonsenseschmonsense
aboutsmokingupand
buildingdreamsand
victories.
Ihaveachieved
leapsandboundsmore
thanyouhave
atyourage
soit'sprettyflattering
forme
ifyouthinkIknownothing.

Stupid.

Syndrome

Recently there has been much ado about an obsession and a depression. Let's talk about the depression later, though, in my apparent attempt in saving this woeful woebegone blog from being a gloomy whiny one. I know I am whiny, shut up already.

Presently a media student, always immersed and submerged in a media world, I cannot deny the power and influence of the media (advertising and all). Sometimes I wonder if this is all a Truman show kinda experiment and sometimes I imagine this life quite like that of Diana Wynne Jones' book. No, not the parallel universes, although that intrigues me just as much..but we're not talking about parallel universes today, we're paying attention to those ambiguous (not?) powers sitting up on that high chair (the media) up there looking down on our everyday lives as though it's a game (in truman's case, a reality show, a form of entertainment. Tomato tomahto, you get the drift anyway).

Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible! - Calvin, Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons.

Can I safely say that all of us are, in a lot of ways, governed by the media, whichever we choose to expose ourselves to? The magnitude of the media is now immeasurable, I mean, come on, there's the traditional stuff, and now the new media. I recall a major part of my life spent sitting in front of this machine computer as if it's all cool - ICQ, IRC, MSN, Friendster, Facebook, blogging, twitter...

It's freaking outwardly for the love of godliness scary.

What's scarier is all this pop culture and trends and fads and the Hollywood mean machine we devour and turn ourselves into. We need to be aware that most of our decisions, beliefs and values are based on what we know for a fact, our assumptions and our own experience. In our work we usually know what we have to do based on our experience and studies, however on our daily lives we rely on the media to get the current news and facts about what is important and what we should be aware of.

Individuality is now only a door away from normality. There's nothing much too shockingly different these days - if it is, then it's called a mental illness. Public opinions, perceptions, decision-making, etc are all formed by our exposure to the media.

I think that we have created a new kind of person in a way. We have created a child who will be so exposed to the media that he will be lost to his parents by the time he is 12. So says David Bowie.

But? I know i know, some people are doing the Madonna and banning the TV from their kids and people are carefully choosing their media and this is an already stale realization. But the fact remains that media (whatever media) is what forms clouds our public opinion and we can never escape from it. And writing this now does not mean that it's just dawned upon me, I was just too immensely bored in the office :) don't be stupid. I can't help wondering though - we are all born different for a reason and why is it that we struggle to do the same things so as to 'fit in'? Wearing the same trends, liking the same music, defining what beauty is and having a religion, off the top of my head. Heck! We get obsessed with celebrities (Yes, Barack Obama is one) and now they're going to be teaching Celebrity Studies in schools very soon. Redundant much?

Please don't waste your breath in denying all of that. We can never be too different in order to be deemed normal. And if you're not deemed normal, you'll belong to the condemned psych ward...or just be condemned ;)

I swear, if I was granted a chance to be the evillest of beings and not get punished for the consequences / repercussions, I would take a new born child and keep him sheltered away from all forms of media (even humans, if that's what it will take) and suddenly open his doors to the world on his 21st birthday and see how he's going to accept and adapt to 20 missing years of media effects in this world. Of course, food will be provided and languages taught. Just a pondering, lots of things to be executed to successfully carry out this plan, it's not going to happen don't worry. Back to the point, I would honestly like to know, as twisted as it may sound.

Now sue me, burn me alive, stone me, strap me to Old Sparky. I plead not guilty. Words, though...need not be translated into action for this is asking too much. Said plans are not possibly executable. There is no such thing as to being a smart media consumer, and there is no need for me to bring forth the multiple media theories that could be applied. We are, after all, only humans. This is just baseless rambling just so we know. I am just helplessly aware and prepared to see this world spiral into further complications.

Come One Come All Into Nineteen Eighty-four.

I will therefore celebrate my peculiarity and not stargaze and not be obsessed about fame...fortune, though, has to wait, for I am not done chasing it. teehee.

15 Minutes

Space to Complain

It does NOT matter if this blog is bland amateur unsubstantial blardeeblah because this is my space! (hmm..myspace -_-) and I canhazcomplains and rants and blabber however I want it irregardless of how it is writ..er...typed. Yes. So boo you!

Oh my, I have been updating my blog pretty frequently now haven't I? Only because I have no life. I have indeed sold my soul to the workosphere (that's how I like to call it so you diam. Boy have I had it with nomenclature!) shamelessly and desperately. And cheaply. Life at work isn't all fluffy fun as I have expected it to be...mmhmm, no. I wonder what in the sdfsdkfhowe was in my mind when I chose this path back in those days. I thought advertising was the shit and the world represents the flies. Little did I know...oh woe is me.

So regrets...a few.

Many, in fact. Argh.

I wonder how life would have been like should I have taken the alternative routes. Come to think of it, I would have sucked just as much. Heh. Jack of all trades, master of none. Si senior! I'm no good. No good at all. I be useless. *kicks myself* It is not pleasant to look up to the everyday heroes in our lives and wonder how they pull through. Awfully bitter, even. I guess the secret ingredient is hard work and less complains, which I think I still lack.

Ah wtf. How do I even convey this muddle coherently?! I can't even write for nuts!

I greatly harbour the hope of success in life, however it is becoming almost impossible to grasp. They say that you must first love what you do but why am I not even liking anything in the present?! It seems like the word "Apathy" has become synonymous to my interests. Letting loose has become so alien, it's only a term utilized to describe the doings of others. As much as I want to keep things in check and to know that I am in control, they aren't so pretty on the inside are they? Am I not meant to soar? Is it an offense to call for what I want? Is this the anticlimax for my life? Cause if it is, I would curse fate and its every determining force in multiple grotesque ways for I am not done discovering the many wonders life has to give (or so they claim) and I have not had much fun at all for the past living years! Damn it.

Just let me continue playing in my little bubble, it doesn't even take up much space in this world. Go ahead, go on living your life and doing what you do, however impressive they may be. Just don't come my way and burst my bubble and laugh in my face and take off. Same thing applies to those with intentions to inflate this bubble and make me happy. No, I do not want change. I refuse to budge. I do not want to wake up and smell the stench of coffee. Oh how I hate you. How I effin hate you, you detrimental thing.

Custardlike

Hector

INTERNSHIP

The Invisible

This is the part where it's supposed to go uphill, smiles all the way, sunshiney day, filled with everything gay. What with the semester finally finished and done with and tiny bursts of triumphs in the wrapping up process. But things don't seem so bright now. Tens of thousands of things are buzzing in my mind and I find myself not being able to fall asleep, despite internship in less than 12hours. Well well well, guess that's what's keeping me up eh? All this pent up nervousness and excitement. Plus, the dinner earlier was pretty heavy, but great, nonetheless.

Amimi is now in the hands/company of someone else and I can't help but to feel this load of emptiness enshrouding me as I think of the days ahead. I don't see myself anywhere but doing the routine wakeup-work-sleep for the next two months and it is but miserable and depressing. I've had a pretty good semester this time, amidst the tiny bleeps and glitches. Somehow I have grown very very cozy to the company I have...the Bubba107ers. I doubt my grades will drop although I do admit to having a bit more fun this sem. And I am thankful.

Almost There

Hi all. :)

I'm still busy. Last week might just be the toughest week of the year thus far. Exams and assignments worked together in an attempt to smother and bring me down but I'm glad to say I've endured and did pretty well in kicking Exam's sorry ass and owning them nasty assignments. :D

Just ... 4 more days and I will be able to finally breathe. Phew. Mayjah looking forward to, this.

Internship's also commencing in 2 weeks' time and I wonder why I'm feeling nervous about the very idea of it. Also, the AmyTan will be coming to stay for 2 days next weekend and we are going to shop shop shop! ♥ Awesomeness.

And btw, I can't help but to keep feeling foolish for seeing you in such light.
There's no way anyone of us is getting there so go ahead enjoy your fame.
I'll just sit here and do my thing while you're at it.
Maybe I'll try to forget you in that process.

<3, Bubba & mae

Way Out

You have to be always drunk. That’s all there is to it—it’s the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking…ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: “It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.”

—Charles Baudelaire

[crossposted]

The May 30 Post

Sometimes when we start doing something, and do a lot of it...Sometimes when we fall into routine and get to a point where we forget why and what we are doing. I think it is important to have time to regroup, re-balance, re-energize and get re-inspired. So we can continue to head down the path, with the purest and clearest intentions.

Looking back, the first half of the year thus far has been nothing but eventful, filled with trying circumstances, broke times, happy times, high times, moments when I felt like giving up, a rascal of a terrier, good food, late nights, orsomm music, and especially, good company (I love you, all of you) and the list will go on if I do not stop myself.

On May 30, I will turn 21. This year marks not only my becoming of age, it also marks the year of my graduation, my first experience as I delve further into the world of ads and communications. It marks that I have lived and loved, got my heartbroken and unbroken, solved a few life questions, and experimented with a multitude of influences.

For the past years that have simply slipped away, I have met individuals of sorts, I learned the spirit of competition, I discovered friendship, I have been in love, I know loss, I learned what it was like to stand on my own two feet, I looked around and found how important character is, and what is ethical, and I have discovered how living in the moment can make times so much easier. I have felt compassion and anger, love and hatred, jealousy at its worst and empty loneliness, trust and betrayal...and best of all, I ate an assorted array of good food. lol.

*thumbs up*

Days ago, a friend stated to me that, "You know you're getting old when all the hot babes (and doods) that you wanted to pick up are way younger than you are". ouch. True, that. Life can be somewhat comical, and I know that in everything we do, we must never forget fun. For it is fundamental.

This is the year I take off...in (I bet) far more tedious endeavors in life, as it continues to batter me and leave memorable scars. Or should I say, as it continues to mould me into whatever that I will become, come what may.

I am always grateful for what I am...being here in this scorchingly hot room typing this out, surrounded by all the people who care. As I turn 21, I thank noone but my parents, for forever guiding me, lighting the path...and most crucially, for bringing me into this wonderful world.

With all that said, I celebrate this momentus memorial day in honor of myself - former and the later. I celebrate the journey thus far with little to no regrets, and ultimately,

I celebrate life.

Diarrhea

During those times, when you find it so tedious, so draining. When you resolve to accept fate, the way it is. When you know that it is pointless proving things otherwise. When you feel like giving up and choosing apathy.

Don't you just want to ball up your fists and shake them at the sky, all that while cursing its every cloud?

I kept waiting for the day to come but I guess it will never do so. I am passionate, I Dream, I Aspire, I Want, I Strive...but when I Do, all I get is a handful of mud. Sometimes, during those times of fruitless endeavors with unlike-minded beings and situations of the sort, I remind myself to do a little perseverance.

"I said it the last time, but this is the last time."

Looks like it will never be. I do believe that in this world, there are people who want, but will never obtain. And others who want, and will be. And then there are those who stumble upon nickles and dimes. Finally, there are bodies who are complacent.

Me? I'm just a little bit autistic.

Hasty Now, We've Got An Aeroplane To Catch

Someone better slap me
Before I turn to rust
Before I start to decompose - RHCP

So you've managed to grab hold of him to go shooting balls with, eh?
With hopes of a substantial amount of information exchange, perhaps?
And a charade of emotions and finger-pointing?

Well, too bad honey, you ain't gonna change his mind. Not even with your oh-so-complicated words that have been popping up oh-so-frequently these days ;D You shouldn't have bothered tryin' cause you shoulda been smarter than that. Hoozahh!

The works and wonders of Hippiebot, along with M.J. Parker and Sir Ron Herb Senior will be gaining altitude in no time, so be in the watch, in case the hottboxx hits you between the eyes while you are sleeping (I'm sure it will, eventually. I'm just warning ya.). Phew, at least I can assure myself now that those times spent prancing and frolicking around with the unicorns on Cloud Nine aren't unproductive. Heh.

Such a happy place I'm in. Never in history would I have expected to stumble upon this little alluring piece of treasure, after the multitude of cesspits I have landed in. Plenty of time to watch and join the bees that fly by and yet I do not do it - for I am afraid of their stings. It's about time I take that leap, from this precarious position that I'm in. But then again, lets not speak too soon, shall we? Shut yo mouff when you talkin' to me!

x

Wow

Also,
this and that.

Yours sincerely have been very ill as of recent and will therefore not bother herself in writing much and feeling guilty for being, well, lazy :P

Respite

The first hurdle is finally over and done with.
I shall spend the week ahead in silent peaceful revelry, yes I shall.

Semester 5 so far has been one helluvah orrsomm one. Minimum drama (close to none), refreshing, and all the while being loved by not one, but many. Lecturers have been awfully unawful I sometimes wonder if I'm just clever. (jokes, bah. Ish ish ish). Bubba has been so terribly nice, despite me having to reject him several times due to (ahem) responsibilities. In fact, he's with me now as I type. Very rare of him to visit at this hour of the day though. I truly appreciate his company all the same mmhmm.

For once since a very long while, the house is so...tranquil. Them 2 rascals ran about too much now they're chilling just as I am. No random visits, no namegame, no soulcalibur, no food, no musiq, no tralalalala. Heck, I don't even care if I am making sense, for sense is making me ghey. I am but like a floaty hovery poppy bubble now and I laik it ♥

So, should I go to Malacca this weekend with AhAhRon and the Vanaynay? It's Easter :) We plan to skip the church thing and walk around like lost travellers instead. Nais? Or should I just go back to mom and do the REAL silent, peaceful revelry - with a touch of family? Hmm? Or should I just go to PENANG? Alone? That is one thing I've yet to try. Le sigh. Decisions, decisions. Annoying.

Speaking of going places,

KNIGHT CASTLE!!!!

FREEDOM 09!!!!

AHMAGAAAAADDDDDD someone stone me! (hardeeharhar)
I be the big 21 this year.

21 = Freedom 09.
21 = Graduation.
21 = Multiple celebrations yes yes YESSSS.

So everyone,
I sincerely and courteously invite
YOU to PARTAY at FREEDOM with MEH!
Dowan? Nvm, we celebrate after Freedom. Dinner, yes? And BBQ?
Hohohoho I WANT A JOB RIGHT NOW.

---

Btw, here's my Earth Hour a.k.a BBQ Q (late, so what?):

Candles <3


Jude Undercover

Vince No Cover

---

And Tya's birthday @ Republic

Cool dood

---

And zis is my cow. I laik my cow.

My cow.

---

And zis are random double yoo tee effs:

Yellow...dead yellow



Dog Food

---

Happy happy happy happy happy happy.
Oh Izzi's got a flower in her mouth. 0_O
ahahhahaa ok I'm going back to my Bubba.
Love love.

Making Do

If you do not give it much of a thought, it will not even bother you one bit. Hop on and enjoy the ride, I say.

Forgive me if this post daunts you. I haven't had the internet all to myself for 2 weeks now and what better time to spew forth those thoughts than right now, now here? Ah the past week has been surprisingly breezy despite the absence of the WWW. What with the chaotic PD trip and Mr. A-Z and Guitar Hero and good company and the Nay and TH Plantations and Benjamin Button and Mimi Garang and Peepee dog and glorious, glorious food by the Dan Man...who's complaining?

There is something about impromptus and last minute decisions and random shiz that make the happy-o-meter in me fluctuate...in a good way, I think. Keeps my mind off things and forces me to enjoy being in the moment of situations. You got lost on the way to Zanzibar? It's all good, might as well take in the view of the present. Forced to sleep in a furnace? It's not that bad, in fact I feel a little breeze on its way. Skate on thin ice? Strive to be careful or suffer the consequences.

Consequences. Damn, how intimidating can a word get? We all know that with random, last minute actions come severe consequences. But whether it is bad or good, it depends on you. Ah, discovery - I now know that things aren't as bad as how you'd make of it. Yay.

But of course, it too has a lot to do with Mr. Luck. I dare say that despite his MIA in countless times of need, he is actually always there if you don't stress it - like looking all over for your pen when it's in your hands, or something similar.

Oh, and Bubba. Yes, allow me to introduce Bubba. Bubba rings synonymous with, say, a friend that drags you down and "degenerates" you mentally and physically, yet you can't bring yourself to shut the doors on him cause he's the only one that could really pacify you and get you thinking all sorts of thoughts that make so much sense (in my case. And I enjoy the company of thoughts) ...but we all know that we will forget them once Bubba leaves. Oh how much I hate-love Bubba for he has been there for me through sleepless nights and ennui - my sanity would be at risk if it weren't for him.

We all make do. Some go to shrinks. Some get distracted. And some just slice open wrists like swiss cheese. Me, well I get busy - in ways that need no pays, for unlike you (yes you) I cannot afford rapid change and be admired for spending my dad's illegal money on aesthetics. Perhaps one day I will pull through. Right now though, I am making do. Watch.