Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Enough time passes

You'd lose the whole of July. Which is funny cause moments ago I was standing in the shower looking back at the events in July and thinking "damn can't July go any faster?" And here's this blog, still at its last post sometime in June when spirits were still high.

Spirits were high, post said post. A good part of it had good things coming aplenty. The crash and burn part only happened last week. Oddly enough, I got to watch Incubus live last week, along with Brandon Boyd uttering a meager "Hi" to me. Come weekend, I spiraled out of control - into answering them little voices in my head, heeding their beckoning of doing whatever the fuck I want. Guess the voices didn't ask me to be prepared for the amount of shame and guilt that come lumbering along after. Oh wait, that's another voice - conscience - perhaps absent from it all as it couldn't go along well with them other voices.

The time has come for me to sink into the murky waters of deep depressing rumination...maybe more so now after the weekend led me on to fall quite ill. Took a day off today and stayed in bed for the most part, mainly due to the numbing effect from the medications. Gave me time to think hard, think deep. Lo and behold, I still have not found my purpose in life. Passion for my job? Zero. Passion for my friends? I struggle. Passion for anything at all? Dare I say I couldn't be arsed?

It's odd how people tell me that I come off as a person quite intelligent, yet I don't know what existentialism means. It's odd how I landed my job, doing it day in day out, yet it still feels unwelcoming. It's odd, it really is. How am I not supposed to doubt things and myself when things are this odd?

Is everyone like this? If it's just me, then why is my mind so messed up? I need stability, or so they tell me. But do I really want stability? When chaos strikes, regardless of the booming voice of conscience that entails, that's when I truly have fun, when I truly feel. Only during chaos. Some call it living in the moment. I like the idea of chaos. If my life could be chaos, spinning into nothingness, no conscience nor normality after, then perhaps I could then freely be me.