Forgive me if I'm wrong

But who am I to say or know who matters until I waste precious moments with them? Lately, I’ve placed a particular amount of guilt-trip on myself, especially upon reflection of certain people in my past. I regret every moment that I spent with someone who caused me pain, but then I reflect on it, and it’s not regret. 

It’s defense. A barrier that I put up, so that when I talk to other people, I can make it sound like I’ve got my shit together. But none of us seem to have it together, even when we believe that we do. And the reality of my situation is that I never regret what I was wholeheartedly passionate about in that moment of the past, even if that passion no longer exists today.

EMPT

Answers!

Do I really, really have this much time in my hands or am I just a super shiteous employee? That's right, cue the pointy fingers and point them, oh you point them until the whole ordeal gets too pointless for pointing. How pointy is the tip of the sword of a swordfish? Never mind.

I'm taking the time to compile another CD for the Waj-diggity. Taking the time? No, couldn't be. Time was given without my even asking for it. Hence I'm USING this time and simultaneously appearing stupider than stupid. No scratch that. Restart. 

I've been using a good amount of time catching up on things only accessible through this 14inch of a screen. Reading, mostly. Finding out, reading. It's weird, cause it's as though I'm slowly becoming smart again. Smarter that my stupid radio self. Just smarter than stupid, in truth. 

Let's go away now. Ever wondered how our liking for songs has swayed so much over the years. I have, and I know it's weird. Weird, in a good way, I'd say. Weird, in a quite eccentric kinda way, some might say.

  
It's weird, because we reject the mainstream in hopes that there is something more. There IS, and always will be something more, hence we search...and sometimes we find those lil gems in the rough. No diamonds. A "diamond" is merely part of human nomenclature. Let's stick with gems for now. Because we have hopes for something more. Always. 

But that's a diamond you hold in your grubby hands..that's a diamond alright, my friend! 
Oh I wish I believed you, friend. 

Watched Life of Pi last week. Touched my heart in many soft places, but I guess you can never be fully satisfied with a screen adaptation of a book you've read 3 times, even more so when it's one of your favourites of all time and you know it all by heart. No blind Frenchman conversation, but I'm glad they featured the freak island. It may seem like the whole piece is just a page-filler - a separate, completely irrelevant, hallucinated and deluded entity - but wait, there has to be meaning to this! An island that welcomes you with refuge and rest, but kicks you out just in time before it eats you up? It's saying, "don't you get comfortable now. Move on, sail away, great things await. Go!" 

It's the idea of settling for something you think is good, abandoning the notion that there could be something better. How then, do we know if what we have in our grubby hands now is a rare, blazing piece of rock we call a diamond?

But of course

Oh hello, 

Who's bored? Eat a sandwich.

But if you're only just mildly there, then I suggest you do what I'm doing - write a post with no intention nor direction at all as to what said post would be about. Great, now that we've shaken hands and exchanged hello's, onwards!

You know, I really wonder at how everyone around me in this office has come about to propping themselves at their cubicles from 9-5 every single day for the rest of their lives. Why do people do that? Is this what we've been taught to do as we were growing up? To go through school and college and uni and then...this? Accepting reality. Accepting life. Being responsible. How is it even comfortable to begin with? 

Then spread your wings and go out and discover the world and be happy, they tell me. But how, with no money to exchange for this...happiness? Is happiness then, not free? But of course! All things in life are free of charge if you pay for it :) but.of.course. 

Money is such a shit form of currency. Whoever elected to use money as a medium of exchange probably thought it was the most brilliant idea ever. Look at us now. 

Imagine if happiness was in its place. How much is this sandwich? 10 happies, sir. Here you go, now I'm sad. But in 10 minutes, someone will be coming around to make you happy again. And that happy is free, because it is your heart that is happy, not your pockets. You're right, may you earn a lot of happies today. Thank you for the sandwich, good day, good sir!


Good day back atcha.

Freewrite

Hello month of December!

It's been a while, hasn't it? You have no absolutely no idea what has happened since November...and November was only just last month! 

I sit here, right now, in an office. Yes. AN OFFICE. Because one day, sometime in the past 2 weeks, I woke, put on my clothes, headed for work and subsequently a beeline to the bosses and said to them, goodbye. 

Pretty much yanked the plug on that one. I still question myself if it was too quick of a decision. But then again, it just, simply, had to be done. Complacency is a very, very bad thing. And as stupid as it sounds, I'm running out of time to make something of myself. 

Dreams, ambitions, goals and the sheer wanting of....something. Meh.

So, goodbye radio. Goodbye VT room which I've grown to love. Goodbye odd working hours, goodbye empty afternoons, goodbye tofu at the cafeteria, goodbye perez hilton, goodbye no make-up face, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

And hello adulthood?

They say the year you're 25 (next year for me, holy shit) is a crucial year wherein you will, er, change (for lack of a better word). I guess that's true to a point - you'll realize who you are, your priorities determined, and you'll generally see a much, much bigger picture of things. I mean, why not? 25 years is a quarter of a century. Ample time to grasp ample understanding of the world and its oddities. Hopefully it applies for me. 

One thing I've learned though - expectations yield much heartache. Don't mean to sound so negative here, but that's how it is. So take things easy, not everything will hit the exact mark you desire. 

The difference between "I don't know" and "I Don't Care". Ignorance vs Apathy.

But oh well I wouldn't know for sure until I've experienced 25, hey? Then again, here I am, already going through one heck of a month - it's like one big sandwich of bacon-awesomeness, lettuce-awkwardness, ketchup-sweetness, and grain-randomness. 

Doesn't sound like a good sandwich? Well, I'm gonna have an amazing sandwich for lunch today to make up for shitty writing. 


You should too.

Witching Hour, they say

Back from my absence and here's the reason why. Well, sort of. Been working on this song for about 3 months and finally mustered enough courage to share it with the world. No idea why but we were so anal about this baby. The drums weren't right, the snares were too loud, the reverb wasn't enough, the kicks don't kick, etc etc. But inspiration came one day, like how it would and tadaaa! Really pleased with what we accomplished in this track, using only GarageBand, mind you. So I thought this definitely deserves a place on the borderline non-existent blog.

Happy November!

Vomit

Sometimes, to some people like me, rejection changes your whole life. That's the thing about us humans that makes us incomparably different to all other beings on this planet. We feel. 

And when I feel, I am reminded to do me a favour and feel; to plunge into the depths of my self and lie in it for a while. It is what draws one being to another - that sinewy, sticky substance that reaches out and pulls people to people. And if that is not beautiful enough, it is also what destroys the own self.

But we destroy to rebuild. We must always feel.

Back to rejection. You don't know how much this matters until you have truly been rejected. But I guess we have all been there before at some point. Then we leave the confines of that cold, cold place. Slowly, resolutely, eventually. Maybe even hopefully, still.

But the truth is this: that place never leaves us. Talons ever-sharp, it latches on to our shoulders and steers us towards where it wants to go. And in time, it becomes our only motivation. It becomes all we know.

Then one day you stop to take a look at yourself, and your eyes, they light up with sudden realization - the person you're staring at that fateful day was born from one place only. A place called Rejection. 

Tsk tsk

Looking back on 2010, & 2009 and wondering why the hell do girls my age get so insecure and feel so shitty about ourselves. We curse at ourselves, tell ourselves to get a grip, hate on ourselves, get so heartbroken by random people, so obsessed with people unworthy of being obsessed about, and somehow felt it so important to let it all out for the whole world to know.

Us. Girls. So Funny. Vying for attention that nobody would be bothered giving because it's just so so so typical. We all grow up soon enough though.

Otherwise, grammar-wise, impressive I should say. Perhaps it's really time to work on this blog again. Here are some resolutions: stop slouching, stop cracking knuckles, drink more water, read more books, read a lot of books, maybe run a little. And work on the blog.

Idol rAchel has aged so much and gone on to become someone at Harvard. She is, also, no longer fun-seeming. Still inspiring, nonetheless.

Oh, life. You peculiar thing. So minute and trivial yet too slow and magnified for our human brain comprehension. Hence, we look to idols and random people unworthy of being obsessed about.

Only human.

Hello Mr Nazari

I write upon your request. You got a point there - I have not been updating. Well mainly because I've been so aloof from everything personal. To put it simply, I haven't had much time of my own after August.

Life has seen a tenfold increase in social activity (and workload but we shall talk about that later), and I think I got it somewhere in a corner of my mind to be a weekend warrior. Has it been good? Yes. And bad at the same time. This blog, for instance, has not seen an update and it does seem as though I've met with a grave, sudden...uh, something bad.

Well, I was just distracted.

And I'm fatter now, said my brother just now - my brother whom I've only last met last month. Yes I'm currently back in Penang for the Lunar New Year holidays. This could possibly mean that I will be getting even fatter for it is quite impossible to NOT feed Jake, here in Penang. I missed Penang. I missed you, in Penang. I missed you.

I was just thinking how retreating from the city to things of a smaller scale once in a while helps so much in terms of reflection and keeping a sane mind. It's been almost 2 years of service to the company that you hated so much once upon a time. And those "almost 2 years" took me up, down, far from, and very deep into myself. I realized that it's probably time to throw in the letter and go. Where to? I don't know. This year could very well be an insightful one, compared to 2011 - the year I failed to update my blogspot.

Apart from work and being fat, I've also found myself a group of friends who are simply awesome, and delved a little bit into music-making too. Check this out:

+ by +2dB

All in 2011 :)

Nothing too impressive. But it's been fun. We're just fooling around, really. As for pictures, come on, my facebook is not short of them. Sri Lanka happened, Bali happened (twice), plus a whole lotta concerts and nights out and letting loose and getting lost.

Here's a short paragraph on something you'd be absolutely clueless about. Skip it if you want to. But you won't. I know.
KL has been struck by a sudden wave of young adults wanting to be "hipsters". I, personally despise that term and anyone who proudly calls themselves that. What in the world is a "hipster" and if it means "not mainstream" then can someone explain why it is so "cool" and popular? What's worse - they've adopted it on to the radio and made a show, specifically calling out "hipsters"...and then playing dubstep. Oh, so hipsters listen to dubstep?

So much pretense, it saturates everything and everyone. You never really know who anybody really is in this crazy city.

Thanks for the email,
and good luck, Yeti Tracker!

♥