Scarcity

leads to an infinite silence in my head.

It has to stop, for before I'll realise, I would have been muted, repressed and muzzled. Feelings have been intense lately. I guess, perceptions of yourself are generated by how you present yourself. And right now, presenting one's self has been immensely confusing. Struggling to prove someone wrong and change one's mind requires a lot of patience on your part, and willingness on theirs. For if they do not allow you the chance to even speak, or if they bat down every notion you're trying to say in the likes of swatting a fly before you could even finish, then there is no chance to prove yourself. Actions? I'd like to see you try.

Seeing that the chance might have been possibly lost, all I have to say is this: You think you got a lot coming don't you? And you think I'm stupid don't you? You think you know me huh? Well there's a lot more to this girl that even the world does not know. I don't know why I'm doing this but I guess the reason might be because you remind me so much of him. And what strikes most similar, is both of your inabilities in saying goodbyes.

So goodbye. At least I could say it. There.

nonsenseschmonsense
aboutsmokingupand
buildingdreamsand
victories.
Ihaveachieved
leapsandboundsmore
thanyouhave
atyourage
soit'sprettyflattering
forme
ifyouthinkIknownothing.

Stupid.

Syndrome

Recently there has been much ado about an obsession and a depression. Let's talk about the depression later, though, in my apparent attempt in saving this woeful woebegone blog from being a gloomy whiny one. I know I am whiny, shut up already.

Presently a media student, always immersed and submerged in a media world, I cannot deny the power and influence of the media (advertising and all). Sometimes I wonder if this is all a Truman show kinda experiment and sometimes I imagine this life quite like that of Diana Wynne Jones' book. No, not the parallel universes, although that intrigues me just as much..but we're not talking about parallel universes today, we're paying attention to those ambiguous (not?) powers sitting up on that high chair (the media) up there looking down on our everyday lives as though it's a game (in truman's case, a reality show, a form of entertainment. Tomato tomahto, you get the drift anyway).

Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible! - Calvin, Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons.

Can I safely say that all of us are, in a lot of ways, governed by the media, whichever we choose to expose ourselves to? The magnitude of the media is now immeasurable, I mean, come on, there's the traditional stuff, and now the new media. I recall a major part of my life spent sitting in front of this machine computer as if it's all cool - ICQ, IRC, MSN, Friendster, Facebook, blogging, twitter...

It's freaking outwardly for the love of godliness scary.

What's scarier is all this pop culture and trends and fads and the Hollywood mean machine we devour and turn ourselves into. We need to be aware that most of our decisions, beliefs and values are based on what we know for a fact, our assumptions and our own experience. In our work we usually know what we have to do based on our experience and studies, however on our daily lives we rely on the media to get the current news and facts about what is important and what we should be aware of.

Individuality is now only a door away from normality. There's nothing much too shockingly different these days - if it is, then it's called a mental illness. Public opinions, perceptions, decision-making, etc are all formed by our exposure to the media.

I think that we have created a new kind of person in a way. We have created a child who will be so exposed to the media that he will be lost to his parents by the time he is 12. So says David Bowie.

But? I know i know, some people are doing the Madonna and banning the TV from their kids and people are carefully choosing their media and this is an already stale realization. But the fact remains that media (whatever media) is what forms clouds our public opinion and we can never escape from it. And writing this now does not mean that it's just dawned upon me, I was just too immensely bored in the office :) don't be stupid. I can't help wondering though - we are all born different for a reason and why is it that we struggle to do the same things so as to 'fit in'? Wearing the same trends, liking the same music, defining what beauty is and having a religion, off the top of my head. Heck! We get obsessed with celebrities (Yes, Barack Obama is one) and now they're going to be teaching Celebrity Studies in schools very soon. Redundant much?

Please don't waste your breath in denying all of that. We can never be too different in order to be deemed normal. And if you're not deemed normal, you'll belong to the condemned psych ward...or just be condemned ;)

I swear, if I was granted a chance to be the evillest of beings and not get punished for the consequences / repercussions, I would take a new born child and keep him sheltered away from all forms of media (even humans, if that's what it will take) and suddenly open his doors to the world on his 21st birthday and see how he's going to accept and adapt to 20 missing years of media effects in this world. Of course, food will be provided and languages taught. Just a pondering, lots of things to be executed to successfully carry out this plan, it's not going to happen don't worry. Back to the point, I would honestly like to know, as twisted as it may sound.

Now sue me, burn me alive, stone me, strap me to Old Sparky. I plead not guilty. Words, though...need not be translated into action for this is asking too much. Said plans are not possibly executable. There is no such thing as to being a smart media consumer, and there is no need for me to bring forth the multiple media theories that could be applied. We are, after all, only humans. This is just baseless rambling just so we know. I am just helplessly aware and prepared to see this world spiral into further complications.

Come One Come All Into Nineteen Eighty-four.

I will therefore celebrate my peculiarity and not stargaze and not be obsessed about fame...fortune, though, has to wait, for I am not done chasing it. teehee.

15 Minutes

Space to Complain

It does NOT matter if this blog is bland amateur unsubstantial blardeeblah because this is my space! (hmm..myspace -_-) and I canhazcomplains and rants and blabber however I want it irregardless of how it is writ..er...typed. Yes. So boo you!

Oh my, I have been updating my blog pretty frequently now haven't I? Only because I have no life. I have indeed sold my soul to the workosphere (that's how I like to call it so you diam. Boy have I had it with nomenclature!) shamelessly and desperately. And cheaply. Life at work isn't all fluffy fun as I have expected it to be...mmhmm, no. I wonder what in the sdfsdkfhowe was in my mind when I chose this path back in those days. I thought advertising was the shit and the world represents the flies. Little did I know...oh woe is me.

So regrets...a few.

Many, in fact. Argh.

I wonder how life would have been like should I have taken the alternative routes. Come to think of it, I would have sucked just as much. Heh. Jack of all trades, master of none. Si senior! I'm no good. No good at all. I be useless. *kicks myself* It is not pleasant to look up to the everyday heroes in our lives and wonder how they pull through. Awfully bitter, even. I guess the secret ingredient is hard work and less complains, which I think I still lack.

Ah wtf. How do I even convey this muddle coherently?! I can't even write for nuts!

I greatly harbour the hope of success in life, however it is becoming almost impossible to grasp. They say that you must first love what you do but why am I not even liking anything in the present?! It seems like the word "Apathy" has become synonymous to my interests. Letting loose has become so alien, it's only a term utilized to describe the doings of others. As much as I want to keep things in check and to know that I am in control, they aren't so pretty on the inside are they? Am I not meant to soar? Is it an offense to call for what I want? Is this the anticlimax for my life? Cause if it is, I would curse fate and its every determining force in multiple grotesque ways for I am not done discovering the many wonders life has to give (or so they claim) and I have not had much fun at all for the past living years! Damn it.

Just let me continue playing in my little bubble, it doesn't even take up much space in this world. Go ahead, go on living your life and doing what you do, however impressive they may be. Just don't come my way and burst my bubble and laugh in my face and take off. Same thing applies to those with intentions to inflate this bubble and make me happy. No, I do not want change. I refuse to budge. I do not want to wake up and smell the stench of coffee. Oh how I hate you. How I effin hate you, you detrimental thing.

Custardlike

Hector

INTERNSHIP

The Invisible

This is the part where it's supposed to go uphill, smiles all the way, sunshiney day, filled with everything gay. What with the semester finally finished and done with and tiny bursts of triumphs in the wrapping up process. But things don't seem so bright now. Tens of thousands of things are buzzing in my mind and I find myself not being able to fall asleep, despite internship in less than 12hours. Well well well, guess that's what's keeping me up eh? All this pent up nervousness and excitement. Plus, the dinner earlier was pretty heavy, but great, nonetheless.

Amimi is now in the hands/company of someone else and I can't help but to feel this load of emptiness enshrouding me as I think of the days ahead. I don't see myself anywhere but doing the routine wakeup-work-sleep for the next two months and it is but miserable and depressing. I've had a pretty good semester this time, amidst the tiny bleeps and glitches. Somehow I have grown very very cozy to the company I have...the Bubba107ers. I doubt my grades will drop although I do admit to having a bit more fun this sem. And I am thankful.

Almost There

Hi all. :)

I'm still busy. Last week might just be the toughest week of the year thus far. Exams and assignments worked together in an attempt to smother and bring me down but I'm glad to say I've endured and did pretty well in kicking Exam's sorry ass and owning them nasty assignments. :D

Just ... 4 more days and I will be able to finally breathe. Phew. Mayjah looking forward to, this.

Internship's also commencing in 2 weeks' time and I wonder why I'm feeling nervous about the very idea of it. Also, the AmyTan will be coming to stay for 2 days next weekend and we are going to shop shop shop! ♥ Awesomeness.

And btw, I can't help but to keep feeling foolish for seeing you in such light.
There's no way anyone of us is getting there so go ahead enjoy your fame.
I'll just sit here and do my thing while you're at it.
Maybe I'll try to forget you in that process.

<3, Bubba & mae

Way Out

You have to be always drunk. That’s all there is to it—it’s the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking…ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: “It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.”

—Charles Baudelaire

[crossposted]