To Joy, By Joy

I'm back again, I'm such a good grrrl. No intention whatsoever on this post though, I just feel like it. I'm sure everyone's familiar with this recurring "I feel like blogging!" thing. Sucks to be you if you've never experienced it.

I stumbled upon two very inspiring tumblr-ish thingamabobs as of late. Well, honestly I got them from tumblr. teehee. tumblr can be so awesome at times. At the others it's just really a waste of time. But then again, the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time - a quote so heavily requoted that I don't know anymore nor do I care if it's John Lennon or Bertrand Russell who said it. Does it matter even?

So here, since I've chosen to dedicate this time into writing a post simply because I truly enjoy this very act, I shall allow myself to fully BE in it. I didn't take pictures again. But it's okay, I'm letting this one slide. Perhaps for 2011, I might pick it back up. But that's not for certain, no, it isn't, nothing is, the only certainty in life that I know and am confident of, is death, and with that said, nothing at all is certain, not even you, nor your engagement, nor your status, nor your health, nor the stars, nor...okay I shall not go there, just in case.

As I was saying, the two awe-inspiring thingamabobs, in lieu of photos. Allow me to lightly persuade you to allow yourself to mull it around, over, upside down, inside out, and all about:

Life is really simple, don't complicate it with all your mind games and shizz. Frankly I don't give two hoots about "the game" and if you're playing it, why?

Well that's that then, they're pretty self-explanatory. Goodbye for now. I'm happy.

A christmas and a new year

Hello there, I figured that I should prolly post something here before the year closes.

Let me first put it out here that I tremendously love this blog and I suspect that this love is bigger than my love for twitter. Forget facebook, I wouldn't advise myself to go on that site ever unless...well, unless I intend to make myself feel horribly self unworthy. facebook is bullshit.

So yeah, this blog has been my outlet in the realm of the written, and you know me, I'm forever infatuated with words. It's just too bad that lately, what's deterring me from posting is my fear of being unable to put forth a coherent and cohesive paragraph, let alone a string of sentences of more than 140 characters, after aeons of not writing. My ability to write - or inability, more like - scares me, and has ultimately maimed me.

Nevertheless, here's an attempt at a post :) Onwards with the incoherence!

I haven't been taking pictures as promised. This year has got to be the year with the least photos and the very notion sets a sinking feeling going in me. Pictures are memories. Once, I read a quote somewhere along the lines of "we take pictures to permanently contain the past so that we can move on" and couldn't help but agree. Definitely one of my biggest regrets this year.

I have been more distant (from myself and from everyone and everything else) this year compared to the past few. Where was I? I don't know. Ever since I was introduced to the concept of detachment by Alfred, I was bent on imposing it upon my handling of things in my daily doings and I have to say, this - letting go when life gets tough, living in the present moment, never looking more than 3 days ahead, giving when asked, never seeking only acknowledging, going with the flow, etsy etsy etsy - is a thing of both good AND bad and has certainly reduced the weight of matters but at the same time, made me come off as a spacey, lofty-headed person...at times I feel so hollow, so mechanical I want to smack myself in the head and yell out "WAKE UP AND GET IN CONTROL!" but no, I figured this is nothing but the least painful option to live a life. Detached, indifferent.

With that said, this year has also been my loneliest and freest as I made a solemn vow to steer clear of the unnecessary tug-wars of the heartstrings. Almost perfected the art, but I'm still in need of some repair-works now and then when there's a malfunction and I slip into a form of pathetic bereaved longing. Ack.

It's not like I'm a love hater, I believe in love, just not committed relationships. And what's so wrong about being reluctant to commit?

Summing up 2010 was surprisingly easy. One thing's for sure, I can very safely say that drama was reduced to a bare minimum because of my decision in detachment.

That being one thing, senseless ennui being another.

A piece of mind and peace of mind

The world was turning but it wasn’t turning right.
Like it was spinning on remote control but remotely controllable.

Though I was standing there was no understanding.
And even when I pray, the mind was astray so I asked God,
What’s the name of this game that he plays.

With my left hand clasped to my right,
I screamed silently in my heart with all my might.
Gave the universe a piece of mind and asked for peace of mind.
For I thought I’ve become half the man I used to be
but the fact was, I’ve never been the man I was meant to be.

With realization, reality realized itself.
And my pupils, became pupils.

It took the blind man to teach me love at first sight.
It took the invisible woman to learn to see myself.
It took broken hearts to learn to love whole-heartedly.
It took having nothing to realise I needed nothing.
It took losing my legs to learn how to stand.

Though the company of one became an audience of none,
Being alone wasn’t lonely and love was once again lovely.

As wise men say,
There won’t be a better tomorrow if you can’t move on from today.
So where sadness was the words I sang yesterday,
love is the poetry I choose to write today.

Tomorrow, yesterday & everyday,
I practice my gratitude and work on my attitude.
where presence is a present,
and knowing for certain that the only certainty is uncertainty
and if the universe wills it,
the sun, the wind and even accidents will conspire to make it.

And now we’ve left,
the time where the world was turning but it wasn’t turning right.
In the end, everything is alright.

:: Source ::

woozy

Often we overlook the thin line between judging someone and disliking someone. Could it be that we judge, hence we dislike?

At which point do we decide to pass that daunting judgment; to simply sum one up and "dislike" someone? Has it occurred to you that you are in no position to sum anybody up, let alone decide that someone is worth disliking? Yes, you have.

Then stop it.

The only reason why you are disliking anybody at all right now is thanks to that smug voice inside of you going "I've got this person all figured out and...naaahh"

Hypocrite.

Only Wish

Really

I set out a trap, and you fell into it
I laid out the bait and the animal bit
I conquered the beast, she loved me for it
I set out a trap and she fell into it

I went to her house, she opened the door
She looked at me with pride, she was dirty and pure
It was tempting bait, she watched me commit
She set out a trap and I came to submit

You visit the beast, she causes you pain
She's your enemy, you're covered in stains
You sleep and you eat, you piss and you shit
You conquered the beast, and you will regret it

You will regret but you'll want more of it
You try to come clean but you can't seem to quit
I set out a trap and we fell into it
We will regret it
We will regret

They're obscene, those hard dark eyes
He told me you need advice
One day you'll hear this lullaby
And it will be your turn

Skripchur

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest onto his stomach.

By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over.

I am not sad.

As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, in so far as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a littler weaker, but still pumping. and by the mid afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else.

I am not sad.

Jonathan Safran Foer

We are not idealized wild things.
We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all."

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

kittehh

Hi.

At this very moment as I am typing this, I'm going insane from a sudden craving for Tiramisu or Strawberry Cheesecake or Crème Brulée or just ANYTHING from Häagen-Dazs.

Arrghhh.

the last time I did a kitteh was here.

Take it and go

Before I leave here, I want
to hear my name change in the mouth

of another animal.
Let it take long.

He’ll want what I wanted from you—
blood at its richest,

most luminous, in that first moment
it touches the air.

Like the hunted
I need the day’s sharpness—

deeper water,
something alive to sift

through me and kill.
- All Souls Day, Alex Dimitrov

Perhaps a possible explanation to my recent form of subdued / subjugated blogging is of my immense fear of being judged - my words being diced and nitpicked on, my thoughts thought out, myself deduced and scrutinized.

I have the least idea whence this fear first sprouted, nor from when, nor how; but it shouldn't be like that.

This is my blog, my personal space. I didn't set out to get an account just to keel under the pressure from the public eye. This tiny window among the sea of others is just as insignificant and unnoteworthy as any other and the least I could have is the right to write just about anything, however I want to convey it, no matter what the impression it sets forth.

After all, isn't this is my selfish enclosure, and my letters to my future?

Take this as my first step in banishing all people-pleasing thoughts and intentions as I start to look inside and at myself. Also, I'm whipping out my point-and-shoot and putting the pictures into the equation of the decision because, let's face it, IT'S MY BLOG. And well yeah, now that I have no thesis nor assignments to excuse myself from freewriting and now that I have all the fuhreaking time in the world (not really),

I shall write, and I shall shoot, and I shall express.

Your approval is not needed, here's my middle finger to the world.


And now I force feed whoever's reading with some fairly recent photos from my fairly recent BlackBerry:

A random paddlepop sky in random Putrajaya one very random day

A not-so-savoury-looking plate of vegetarian pasta but on the contrary, it tasted simply ambrosial



That's Orianthi, the national animal of Australia. We got free VIPs and she was awesome.



Look what godding did to him.

More randomness to ensue, soon. Mercury is no longer in retrogade and we can all be awesome again!

Do not if you do not.

People, don't we all do what society bids us to? To their rights and wrongs, their dos and don'ts, their needs and wants.

Perhaps this is why I cut ties and I run, too often a time. I do not want of you what you think I do, I do not want anything but sincerity. And if you could just manage that, along with some tact so as to keep your lips sealed - to keep hearts guarded - to not make me feel bad about things, about myself.

Why do you put yourself in such an awkward position, where all your actions and intentions are transparent? There is no doubt that being selfish is not too much of a bad thing...but too much of not too much of something could be a bad thing, regardless of what you say. Isn't it funny how the only times when you weren't nearly selfish are the times when you, oddly, are the most? Sad to say, sad to hear that inferiority got the best of us. Me then, you now.

And you, who's got yourself so far deep into the reaches of your mind. You, whom I cannot fathom, try as I might. Oh believe me, I really did try and at one point, I darn did convince myself that I've grasped it, grasped you. We built dreams of castles in the sky - plans of skyscraper proportions. But a neutral party got the better of us. A party which concept you have always been fond of. A thing in common, a simile - me then, you now.

Then you, sidestepped, wronged you went blundering forth frolicking, foraging, making, growing, living, learning, loving. You always get there before I do, no matter the weather. Pioneer, initiator you. Creative, artsy fartsy you. Smily, grinny, careless you.

You then, me now.


Regrets and apologies on my part, for I too, am only human.

Now, onwards.